The Once and Future King
Chapter XV
The year of their happiness ended with Arthur’s return – and almost immediately collapsed in ruin, but not on account of the King. The evening after his home-coming, while he was still giving them details of the defeat of Claudas as they happened to come into his memory, there was a disturbance at the Porter’s Lodge, and Sir Bors was ushered into the Great Hall at dinner. He was Lancelot’s cousin, and had been spending a holiday at the castle of Corbin, investigating the hauntings. He had some news for Lancelot, which he told him in a whisper after dinner – but unfortunately he was a misogynist, and, like most people of that sort, he had the female failing of indiscretion. He told the news to some of his bosom friends as well. Soon it was all over the court. The news was that Elaine of Corbin had given birth to a fine son, whom she had christened Galahad – which was Lancelot’s first name, as you remember.
‘So this,’ said Guenever, when she next saw her lover alone, ‘so this is why you lost your miracles. It was all lies about your giving them to me.’
‘What do you mean?’
Guenever began to breathe through her nose. She was feeling as if there were two red thumbs behind her eyeballs, trying to push them out, and she did not want to look at him. She was trying not to make a scene, and she dreaded her heart. She had shame and hatred of what she might say, but she could not help saying it. She was like a person swimming in a rough sea.
‘You know what I mean,’ she said bitterly, looking away.
‘Jenny, I wanted to tell you, but it was too difficult to explain.’
‘I can understand the difficulty.’
‘It is not what you think.’
‘What I think!’ she cried. ‘How do you know what I think? I think what everybody would think – that you are a mean seducer, just a liar, you and your miracles. And I was fool enough to believe you.’
Lancelot turned his head at each of her stabs, as if he were trying to let them glance off him. He looked on the ground, to hide his eyes. He had wide eyes, which generally gave him an expression of fear or surprise.
‘Elaine means nothing to me,’ he said.
‘Then she ought to do. How can you say that she means nothing to you when she is the mother of your child? When you tried to keep her secret? No, don’t touch me, go away.’
‘I can’t go away, when it is like this.’
‘If you touch me I shall go to the King.’
‘Guenever, I was made drunk at Corbin. Then they told me that you were waiting for me at Case, and they took me to a dark room with Elaine in it. I came away next morning.’
‘A clumsy lie.’
‘It is true.’
‘A baby wouldn’t believe it.’
‘I can’t make you believe it, if you don’t want to. I drew my sword to kill Elaine, when I found out.’
‘I will have her killed.’
‘It was not her fault.’
The Queen began plucking at the neck of her dress, as if it were too tight for her.
‘You are standing up for her,’ she said. ‘You are in love with her, and deceiving me. I thought so all along.’
‘I swear I am telling the truth.’
She suddenly gave up and began to cry.
‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ she asked. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you had a baby? Why have you lied to me all the time? I suppose she was your famous miracle, which you were so proud of.’
Lancelot, who also suffered from violent emotions, began to cry in turn. He put his arms round her.
‘I didn’t know I had one,’ he said. ‘I didn’t want one. It was not my seeking.’
‘If you had told me the truth, I could have believed you.’
‘I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I was afraid you would be hurt.’
‘It has hurt me worse like this.’
‘I know it has.’
The Queen dried her tears and looked at him, smiling like a spring shower. In a minute they were kissing, feeling like the green earth refreshed by rain. They thought that they understood each other once more – but their doubt had been planted. Now, in their love, which was stronger, there were the seeds of hatred and fear and confusion growing at the same time: for love can exist with hatred, each preying on the other, and this is what gives it its greatest fury.