The Witches

THE ANCIENT ONES

The Grand High Witch stood on the very centre of the platform, and those dangerous eyes of hers travelled slowly around the audience of witches who were sitting so meekly before her. ‘All those over seventy put up your hands!’ she barked suddenly.

Seven or eight hands went up in the air.

‘It comes to me,’ said The Grand High Witch, ‘that you ancient vuns vill not be able to climb high trrrees in search of grrruntles’ eggs.’

‘We won’t, Your Grandness! We are afraid we won’t!’ chanted the ancient ones.

‘Nor vill you be able to catch the crrrab crrruncher, who lives high up on rrrocky cliffs,’ The Grand High Witch went on. ‘I can’t exactly see you sprrrinting after the speedy catsprrringer either, or diving into deep vorters to spear the blabbersnitch, or striding the bleak moors vith a gun under your arm to shoot the grrrobblesqvirt. You are too old and feeble for those things.’

‘We are,’ chanted the ancient ones. ‘We are! We are!’

‘You ancient vuns have served me vell over many years,’ said The Grand High Witch, ‘and I do not vish to deny you the pleasure of bumping off a few thousand children each just because you have become old and feeble. I have therefore prepared personally vith my own hands a limited qvantity of Delayed Action Mouse-Maker vhich I vill distrrribute to the ancient vuns before you leave the hotel.’

‘Oh, thank you, thank you!’ cried the old witches. ‘You are far too good to us, Your Grandness! You are so kind and thoughtful!’

‘Here is a sample of vot I am giving you,’ shouted The Grand High Witch. She fished around in a pocket of her dress and brought out a very small bottle. She held it up and shouted, ‘In this tiny bottle is five hundred doses of Mouse-Maker! Is enough to turrrn five hundred children into mice!’ I could see that the bottle was made of dark-blue glass and that it was very small, about the same size as the ones you can buy at the chemist with nose drops in them. ‘Each of you ancient vuns vill get two of these bottles!’ she shouted.

‘Thank you, thank you, O Most Generous and Thoughtful One!’ chorused the ancient witches. ‘Not one drop will be wasted! Each of us will promise to squish and

squallop and

squiggle one thousand children!’

‘Our meeting is over!’ announced The Grand High Witch. ‘Here is the timetable for the rrreemainder of your stay in this hotel.

‘Rrright now, vee must all go out on to the Sunshine Terrace and have tea vith that rrridiculous Manager.

‘Next, at six o’clock tonight, those vitches who are too old to climb trees after grrruntles’ eggs vill rrree-port to my rrroom to rrree-ceive two bottles each of Mouse-Maker. My rrroom number is 454. Do not forget it.

‘Then, at eight o’clock, all of you vill assemble in the Dining Rrroom for supper. Vee are the lovely ladies of the RSPCC and they are setting up two long tables specially for us. But do not forget to put the cotton plugs up your noses. That Dining Rrroom vill be full of filthy little children and vithout the nose plugs the stink vill be unbearrable. Apart from that, rrree-member to behave normally at all times. Is everything clear? Any qvestions?’

‘I have one question, Your Grandness,’ said a voice in the audience. ‘What happens if one of the chocolates we are giving away in our shops gets eaten by a grown-up?’

‘That’s just too bad for the grrrown-up,’ said The Grand High Witch. ‘This meeting is over!’ she shouted. ‘Out you go!’

The witches stood up and began gathering their things together. I was watching them through the crack and hoping to heaven they would hurry up and leave so that I might be safe at last.

‘WAIT!’ shrieked one of the witches in the back row.

   ‘HOLD EVERYTHING!’ Her shrieking voice echoed through the Ballroom like a trumpet. All the witches suddenly stopped and turned and looked towards the speaker. She was one of the taller witches and I could see her standing there with her head tilted back and her nose in the air and she was sucking in great long breaths of air through those curvy pink seashelly nostrils of hers.

‘WAIT!’ she shouted again.

‘What is it?’ the others cried out.

‘Dogs’ droppings!’ she yelled. ‘Just then I got a whiff of dogs’ droppings!’

‘Surely not!’ the others shouted. ‘There couldn’t be!’

‘Yes yes!’ shouted the first witch. ‘There it is again! It’s not strong! But it’s there! I mean it’s here! It’s definitely somewhere not too far away!’

‘Vot’s going on down there?’ shouted The Grand High Witch, glaring down from the platform.

‘Mildred’s just got a whiff of dogs’ droppings, Your Grandness!’ someone called back to her.

‘Vot rrrubbish is this?’ shouted The Grand High Witch. ‘She has dogs’ drrroppings on the brain! There are no children in this rrroom!’

‘Hang on!’ cried the witch called Mildred. ‘Hang on, everybody! Don’t move! I’m getting it again!’ Her huge curvy nose holes were waving in and out like a pair of fish tails. ‘It’s getting stronger! It’s hitting me harder now! Can’t the rest of you smell it?’

All the noses of all the witches in that room went up in the air, and all the nostrils began to suck and sniff.

‘She’s right!’ cried another voice. ‘She’s absolutely right! Dogs’ droppings it is, strong and foul!’

In a matter of seconds, the entire assembly of witches had taken up the dreaded cry of dogs’ droppings. ‘Dogs’ droppings!’ they shouted. ‘The room is full of it!

Why did we not smell it before? It stinks like a sewer! Some little swine must be hiding not so very far away from here!’

‘Find it!’ screamed The Grand High Witch. ‘Trrrack it down! Rrrootle it out! Follow your noses till you get it!’

The hairs on my head were standing up like the bristles of a nail brush and a cold sweat was breaking out all over me.

‘Rrrootle it out, this small lump of dung!’ screeched The Grand High Witch. ‘Don’t let it escape! If it is in here it has observed the most secret things! IT   MUST   BE EXTERRRMINATED IMMEDIATELY!’